Real Father
by youcantseeus
Summary: AU. One night with Severus leaves Harry's parentage in doubt and turns Lily's world upside down. Snape/Lily.
1. Prologue

**AN: This fic is an AU, Lily/Severus. It should be pretty long. I love feedback.**

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**Prologue**

_How had it happened? Lily Potter sat up, shakily, and glanced down at the sleeping figure beside of her. Funny. In all the years of their friendship, she had never seen him sleep before. He looked peaceful, almost childish, his guarded features smoothed out and the slightest of smiles playing on his lips. _

_She sighed on stood up, looking around the room for her clothes. It was difficult in the half dark, but Lily hoped to get away without waking him up. No such luck. His eyes fluttered open and watched her intently. His face was guarded once again and it somehow made him uglier. _

"_You're going, aren't you?" he asked. "Back to _him_." His voice was spiteful, but underneath it, Lily could tell that he was wounded. _

_She slipped into her skirt. "He's my husband, Sev. You're just … you're just. I don't know what you are." She found her bra and struggled to clasp it in the poor light. _

"_And I suppose tonight was just you playing with me. Revenge for my becoming a Death Eater?"_

"_You told me you wanted out!" Lily stood up straight, dropping her blouse. As distressing as it was to think that she cheated on James, it was much more distressing to think that she might have slept with someone who was truly a follower of Voldemort._

"_I do," Severus hissed. "More than I want anything. I've asked you to talk to Dumbledore."_

"_I have. It's just tricky, Sev." Her eyes couldn't meet his. She, the ever-optimistic Gryffindor, had gleefully promised to help when he contacted her two months ago. But it was proving harder than she had thought. There had never been a case of a full-fledged Death Eater switching sides before and Dumbledore was suspicious. _

_Severus crossed his arms. "What about tonight? Why did you do it?"_

_Lily stopped buttoning her blouse, and tried to think of the gentlest way she could phrase it. "Sev, you were crying."_

_"I most certainly was not," he objected immediately._

"_There were tears in your eyes. I haven't seen you cry since you were a kid. When you kissed me – I just – I just couldn't stand to reject you. I'm sorry."_

_Snape looked away. "So it was pity."_

_Lily frowned. "I guess so."_

"_Get out." _


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

For a moment, everything had seemed good again. Not the hesitant sort of good that one felt nowadays – afraid to tell a joke, afraid to crack a smile – but the free and easy sort good that James had felt as a fifteen-year-old who had been given everything and never known loss. They had been at an Order meeting – that most sober of events – when someone had, quite loudly, passed gas.

He and Sirius were no longer the cutups that they once were at Hogwarts. Besides, Order business was deadly serious; not like school. But what class prankster, even a grown one, could resist such temptation? It hadn't taken much – such an event was funny enough by itself. Sirius had simply waved his hand in front of his face and said; "Good God, James, what did you have for lunch?"

There was the old elation – the round of suppressed giggles from half the room and the disapproving stares from the other half. James was never sure which he liked best, though he suspected that Sirius enjoyed the disapproval most. James quickly jumped in with a line about his wife's cooking and Sirius replied and soon they had a back and forth going. Dumbledore had given an indulgent, if somewhat strained half smile, but there were murmurs from some of the others.

"Really, you'd guess that they'd want a few laughs after everything we've all been through," James said to Sirius as they walked down the street to James' flat.

James said it in the lofty, joking sort of voice that he and Sirius used to talk to one another in for hours, but Sirius answered him gravely. "They do. Well, except one or two idiots with no sense of humor. They just don't know that they do." His friend wrapped his arms around himself as if to keep out the cold, though he was wearing a coat.

James looked over at Sirius, now pale, now unsmiling. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"They put us on different missions, James."

"So?" James' brow wrinkled. "It isn't the first time. Not that I don't love working with you mate, but we've got to be apart _some _time."

"But I think that they did it because of what happened in there. Because they think that we are too immature to work together."

"They did?" James hadn't caught this. "But have they forgotten that muggle shop that you and I helped save? We were the first on the scene. Or about when Lily and I faced Voldemort?"

Sirius flinched almost imperceptibly at the name, but then gave an ironic smile. "Don't you know that all that pales in the face of a fart joke, Prongs?"

James smiled. "Well, fart jokes _are _very … what's the word I'm searching for … paint peeling?"

The walked along a bit more, not saying anything. It wasn't dark yet, but there was an chill in the air. "Where _is _Lily, anyway?" Sirius asked, after a while. "She would have nipped us in the bud. One good elbow to your ribs and – ow!" James had slapped him on the back of the head.

"Lily was feeling sick," he said.

"Again?" Sirius asked. "You're going to have to take the little missus to the doctor, Prongs."

James sighed. "I've tried to get her to go, but she says that she's just feeling a little under the weather."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "That's what my little missus – and by "little missus", I mean my arse of a roommate – said this morning."

James smiled as he pictured the expression on Remus' face if he heard Sirius refer to him as the "little missus". "Is Remus not feeling well?" he asked.

"He's just always a grump so soon after the full moon. But I swear, if he grouses at me one more time to do the dishes --"

"They're not exactly hard to do with magic, Padfoot," James laughed.

"Maybe," Sirius looked reluctant to admit it. "But I'm still not too eager to get back home. Do you want to go down to that place on the corner and have a few drinks?"

James scratched his head. "I don't know, mate. I should really get home to Lily. She's sick and all."

Sirius looked disappointed and James felt the familiar sensation of being torn in two. He always felt as if Sirius and Lily were in competition for his time, for his full attention. It wasn't that they didn't like each other – they had established a wary sort of friendship – but he only had so much free time. And they both seemed to want it all.

But Sirius was standing before him looking like a hurt puppy and Lily, with her beautiful red hair and lovely green eyes wasn't here to impatiently, but subtly, tap her foot at him.

"I guess a few drinks couldn't hurt," James said.

--- -- ---

Lily tried not to fidget as she sat in Dumbledore's study and all the former Headmasters and Headmistresses looked down from their portraits and whispered about her. When she had come here in her days as Head Girl, they had been entirely more positive. When Dumbledore walked in, he appeared very unsurprised to see her, though she hadn't been invited. She had been here earlier in the year; she knew the password.

"Lily," he said, mildly, and went to sit behind his desk, but he did not offer her a sweet as he would have in the old days. "Won't James be expecting you at home, my dear? The Order meeting is over, you know."

"He always goes out for drinks with Sirius after," she said.

The Headmaster's eyebrows shot up slightly at this and Lily felt defensive. It wasn't as though James was an alcoholic – though she had her doubts about Sirius.

"Have you thought about what I said, sir?" she asked, abrupt. "About Severus?"

Dumbledore sighed and shifted in his seat. "I have and perhaps if times were different – but no – we cannot risk having an avowed Death Eater affiliated with the Order. We have been compromised too many times already."

Lily's heart dropped. She knew what had happened the last time the Order was compromised – two deaths – but she could not bring herself to give up on Severus. The two of them had been connected since childhood, their lives interwoven. Somehow, they always seemed to come back together.

"But think of all he could do for us," she said. "We could have a spy who is truly on the inside of Voldemort's inner circle, loyal to _us_."

"Yes, but how are we to know that he would truly be loyal to us? Forgive me, Lily, but allegiances do not change so fast. One is not a Death Eater, a muggle-hater," he said the last word with the slightest bit of harshness that made Lily wince, "one day and a loyal Order member the next."

Lily shook her head vehemently. "It wasn't like that," she said. "He regretted it almost from the time he joined – he was still in Hogwarts, you know – but he didn't know how to get out." She looked down at her hands. She couldn't help but blame herself, though it had, of course, been his bad choice. She should have forgiven the insult, "mudblood", even though it was the worst thing that one could say to a person. But he had apologized. Repeatedly. Even now, she could hardly believe that Severus had swallowed his pride enough to keep begging and apologizing.

He didn't have very many other friends back then. That changed after she started shunning him. He had begun doing favors for some bad types.

In front of her, Dumbledore pursed his lips. "Still," he said. "We can't risk it. If Severus wants out, then we can certainly find a safe house for him, but he can't work for the Order. It is out of the question."

Lily bit her lip. Severus would never agree to it – it would put him completely under the power of the Order and give him no leverage to offer them. He was nothing if not suspicious. Besides, it would compromise his pride. Sometimes she thought that Severus would rather risk his life than his pride. "He wants to help, sir," was all she said.

Dumbledore tapped his fingers to his lips and Lily could tell that he was considering it, whatever else he might have said. "I remember that you paid a special attention to Severus during our first years at Hogwarts, Professor," she said. "He hasn't forgot it. Very few adults were kind to him during his childhood."

Dumbledore shook his head, sadly. "Yes, I always had the impression that Severus could be great – but he was in desperate need of guidance. I tried the best I could, but perhaps there was more I could have done. If only he hadn't been sorted into Slytherin – the house is right for some, but Severus always seemed to gravitate to the worst types in it. Or if only he had come to Hogwarts a in a different time, when such a powerful dark wizard wasn't rising to power. A hundred 'if only-s'. But none of them matter. What is, is."

"So you won't help him?" Lily asked. She could hardly stand it.

Dumbledore looked at her intensely. For a moment, the image of the kindly, slightly bemused old man fell away and Lily saw the intelligence and power underneath. She shivered.

Dumbledore gave a sad smile. "I've always considered myself a passable judge of character. Bring Severus to me. Then I'll know."

Lily closed her eyes in relief. Severus was good at hiding his emotions, even when it might benefit him to show them, but she felt sure that Dumbledore would be able to see his true heart.

She hurried home, but when she got there, James was still out. She was somewhat glad. Her relief had turned to a kind of excitement, at success and she knew not what else. Much as she wanted to share all her joys, all her secrets with James, she knew that this was one she could never tell him about. Even if she hadn't made the awful mistake of sleeping with Severus a few months ago, the two had always hated one another. It was only lately that Lily had gained the maturity to see that she was the main reason for it.

Lily dreaded the thought of James ever finding out what had happened between her and Severus. She didn't _think _that Severus would ever tell – as much as he wanted her, he would be smart enough to know that hurting her, ruining her marriage wasn't the way to her heart.

Lily lay down on the sofa and closed her eyes. She was so often tired these days. Just as she was beginning to drift off to sleep, however, there was a sound at the door. Sirius walked in, James leaning on his shoulder. It wasn't often that James got so drunk that he needed help walking and Lily wanted to be angry with him, but how could she when she had spent most of the day laying about and the rest defending his enemy while he was off attending to Order business.

"Here, put him on the sofa," Lily said to Sirius. "I'll go get a blanket."


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

No one ever expects Death Eaters to meet at 8 a.m. in the morning. This was partly why they did it. Everyone imagines them meeting in an old cemetery at the stroke of midnight in black robes and hideous masks. Indeed, many of the meetings were much like this. Mostly the ones designed to impress new recruits or the ones that were meant to be inspirational.

But just as many meetings took place at a reasonable time of day and a reasonable place. This particular meeting found most of the Dark Lord's inner circle minus the Dark Lord himself seated around a large circular table. The Dark Lord did not attend every meeting of the Death Eaters, but Severus had no doubt that he had eyes and ears here.

The assembled Death Eaters could have easily been gentlemanly wizards attending a society party. For the most part they wore smart dress robes, but had dark circles under their eyes. Severus had to refrain from smirking to himself. If he had his guess, he would say that more than half the wizards here would rather attend a midnight meeting. Most of the Death Eaters were young and rich – not a combination that inclined one to rise with the sun. Severus himself rarely slept past 7 a.m.

Old Avery seemed to be mostly running the meeting. Running his finger down the list of names, asking about progress on assignments, looking down his nose sternly when he didn't get the answers that he wanted. It was all very dull, but Severus paid attention when some of the others' attention wandered – which was just another reason why he would make Dumbledore an excellent spy, he told himself.

"There's a field mission," Avery was saying. A "field mission" almost always meant murder, Severus had learned. "Shouldn't take more than two people. That Eagan bitch that we killed a few months back had a father. He's a muggle, of course, her being a mudblood, but he knew about magic and has been making a nuisance of himself in some of the papers." Severus tapped his fingers on the table impatiently, but softly enough that no one heard him. "I want to deal with this one myself, but I'll need someone else. Bellatrix, what about you?"

Bellatrix gave a nasty smile. "I'm afraid I'm still clearing up loose ends from the Pullman mission." Severus wondered, with a queasy feeling what "clearing up the loose ends" meant. "What about Snape?"

Severus' head jerked around sharply. He was usually able to get out of field missions. He was the best potions master that the Death Eaters had and spent most of his time brewing. Though, of course, everyone had to do field missions _sometimes_. He looked at the faces around the table in hopes a spotting some new recruit eager to take on any mission. No such luck. Looked like no one wanted this one.

"I'm not much on field missions," he said.

Bellatrix's smile got even nastier. "Why not? You're a competent dueler, Severus."

Severus longed to show her just how "competent" he was, but managed to keep his temper. "I always end up thinking of all the brewing I could be doing. And how much more good to our cause it would be than my prancing all over London in dark robes and a mask."

Bellatrix flushed. "That 'prancing', as you call it is very important work for the Dark Lord. Without it, we would be nothing. Can you say the same for your potions? There is almost always an alternative to a potion."

Severus' heart fell. If Bellatrix goaded him into it in front of all these Death Eaters, he may have no choice but to go. An old man, a muggle – defenseless. "Anyone can manage a field mission," Severus said, surprised at how smooth his voice sounded. "Send some idiot with no other skill to speak of – they'd do just as well as I. Not anyone can brew a potion."

Bellatrix's eyes flared. Perhaps he should not have been so insulting. Bellatrix was a dangerous woman to anger. "You think --"

But Lucius Malfoy interrupted her, his voice calm and even. "The Dark Lord uses us all for our own talents," he said. He turned to Bellatrix. "Something that you'd do well to remember, Bella."

She shrugged, nonchalant. "I only thought that perhaps Snape doesn't have the stomach." She smirked at him and he had to restrain himself from smiling sarcastically back.

Lucius shot a sidelong look at Severus. "He's been on field missions before. Obviously he must have the stomach. Besides, his potions have probably killed more people than most Death Eaters can claim."

Severus winced. He didn't like to think of this – it was so much easier not to think of it when he wasn't there to see for himself. He only hoped that the others would remember the potions the succeeded and pay no heed to the increasing number that failed.

Lucius went on; "If he has a desire not to go on the more … unsavory missions, well, what of it? The Dark Lord knows that we all have areas of strength and areas of weakness. He does well to use Severus for his strengths."

Severus smiled, suddenly confident again. The lines that Lucius had just repeated were what the Dark Lord said to potential recruits. He could be charming when he wanted to be. Tell a seventeen-year-old that he was _special_ and _talented _and he'd be yours in an instant. Everyone who had been in the Death Eaters for more than a week knew that the Dark Lord sent his minions wherever he wanted and that it wasn't always based on "strengths and weaknesses". But Bellatrix would never admit this. It might make the Dark Lord seem insincere and if there was one person who was fanatically devoted to the man and the cause, it was Bellatrix Lestrange.

Bellatrix answered back, of course, but the mission was given to someone else. Severus was off the hook. Again. But he knew that it could not always be – what would happen when he became a spy? He doubted that Dumbledore and his precious little Order would want him murdering innocent people because he had to kill a certain number to save face.

When the meeting was over and Death Eaters began to file out of the room, Severus approached Lucius. Lucius Malfoy was smart – he liked to help people, even some whom few others liked or respected. But he also liked to be thanked. And someday soon, he would ask Severus for a favor. It might be as simple as a headache potion for his wife or as complex as a dangerous mission, but Severus knew that Lucius would look at him with raised eyebrows and that he would be expected to remember this day.

"I … appreciate your support," he in a quiet tone.

Lucius gave him the slightest of smiles and made a small dismissive gesture. "It was nothing. Bella can be a bit too intense at times."

"Just a bit," Severus said, dryly.

Lucius looked at him for a long time, his face thoughtful. "We all must do whatever we can in the service of the cause, of course," he said. "But relishing tasks that are obviously … distasteful is classless. But you understand me, don't you Severus?"

"Yes, of course," Severus said. Short, agreeing answers were best with Lucius.

"Excellent," Lucius flipped his long blond hair back, satisfied. He had made his contact. Every time Severus talked to Lucius, he felt a twinge of jealousy. The man was so flawlessly elegant, so carelessly charismatic that he made Severus wish that _he _could perfect that sort of air. Might as well wish to be as powerful as Dumbledore or as handsome as Sirius Black. People like Lucius were born, not made.

When he was done, Severus Apparated back to his home. It was still early – not even ten yet. He still had lots of time to brew potions or to study or perhaps gather herbs from the garden. He stopped as he walked into his dingy little kitchen. There was a small brown owl perched on his table with a letter in its beak.

Severus looked around as if he expected to see the sender sitting in his kitchen. Death Eaters didn't use owl post, at least not for business, and it wasn't as though Severus had a lot of other friends. He took the letter and opened it. It was from Lily.

Severus felt the strange shortness of breath that he associated with seeing Lily or hearing her name. They hadn't spoken since that night – that awful night when she had _pitied _him. The letter was short. Was it because she thought that things would still be odd between them or was she afraid of the letter being intercepted by Death Eaters?

_Meet me at the old place at noon._

_Lily._

Severus sighed and crumpled up the note. Then, thinking twice, he cast Incendioand watched it burn. No one but them would know what she meant by "the old place", but Death Eaters would be none to pleased to learn that he was still in contact with Lily Evans. Lily _Potter_, he reminded himself, irritably.

It was almost noon. Severus went into his room, put on muggle trousers and a shirt and then left the house. He looked around anxiously as he left – being a Death Eater had made him fidgety. As he walked down the street, he reflected that he could have Apparated. But to do so seemed odd when he had walked this way so many times and it wasn't far.

The little playground hadn't changed much. The swings had grown rusty and creaked in the wind and in the more disused corners, weeds threatened to overtake the children's play areas. Clearly, it wasn't kept up as it should be – not surprising in this neighborhood. He recalled that as a child Lily had been able to swing higher than the other children, but even Severus' accidental magic had been more discreet. When they came later, as teenagers, they had sat barely moving in the swings kicking up dust and talking of Hogwarts in low voices.

There were no children at the playground at the moment, despite it being early afternoon. The weather was bad – unseasonably cold and the sky threatened rain. Indeed, as Severus turned his face up he felt the first small splash on his cheek. Standing near the swings was a short figure. The figure's back was to Severus and the hood of their coat turned up, but Severus saw a strand of curly red hair escape and blow in the wind. Strange how a glimpse of even her hair could make something in his heart clinch. There were times when Severus thought that he couldn't feel anything – at least not like other people felt things. Those were not the times when he was with Lily.

"Hello," he said and she turned.

"Severus," her face was unusually guarded.

Severus drew himself up, suddenly haughty. He would not be pitied by her. Neither would he be despised. If anything, he would despise her before she could despise him. He schooled his face into a suspicious expression with a trace of a sneer.

"Well," he said when, after a moment she still hadn't spoken, "you called me here."

She sighed. "Yes, Severus, I did. Dumbledore has agreed to meet with you."

Severus drew in his breath. "He has? He has agreed to let me spy for him then?"

Lily shook her head. "Not exactly. He wants to speak with you first. To be sure of your motives."

The momentary elation he had felt vanished quickly. It galled him that he would have to somehow prove himself to Dumbledore or that he wouldn't be trusted, though he knew it was wise. He had given Dumbledore no reason to trust him. "When do we meet him?" he asked.

Lily sighed. "_We _don't, Severus. You are to meet with him this afternoon. I have a doctor's appointment."

"A doctor's appointment?" he asked, trying to keep the panic from his voice. If Lily didn't come, the meeting would likely be a disaster. Severus would say something rude or snide before realizing it and he wouldn't be able to find the right words to apologize. He had never been good with people. But Lily was. "Are you sick?" he asked.

Lily crossed her arms. "No. Just a follow-up. But I need to be there."

Severus was suddenly angry. How could she do this to him? Why wouldn't she support him now, when he needed it the most? "I suppose that now we've slept together that you just don't give a damn."

Lily's face turned an ugly shade of red and he regretted insulting her. "I don't owe you an explanation," she said. "Not everything is about you, Severus." Her face took on a far off look. "I have more important things to think of right now."

That stung. What could be more important than a childhood friend in trouble – at least to a Gryffindor? Then it came to him. Potter. It occurred to Severus that she hadn't even been willing to invite him into her home, though she had been in his. Was that because he was a Death Eater or because of Potter?

"Well then, I guess that there is nothing more to say."

She shook her head, decidedly. "No. There isn't. Goodbye, Severus."

She didn't Apparate, but walked out the hole in the gate. The wind whipped around him. This playground, this vestige of his childhood suddenly seemed the coldest place in the world.

--- -- ---

In the doctor's office, Lily clutched the slip of parchment to her chest. It was a proof of what she had suspected for weeks. She knew that she should be happier. Even though she and James had decided that this was not the best time for a child with the war going on and all, they had always both agreed that they wanted to have a family someday. That someday was coming a little sooner than expected should not be too big a problem.

And yet one thought nagged constantly at the back of her mind, spoiling her joy. _Severus. Severus. Severus. Severus. _


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

When Severus was a child, adults never paid him much attention. His mother hadn't been cruel, but she had been too wrapped up in her own miseries to care much about the miseries of her child. His father – well, Severus was usually glad when his father _didn't _pay attention to him as it usually meant his belt and a furious, drunken rant about magic. His teachers at the muggle school he attended hadn't seen anything in him. That Snape kid was bright, they'd thought, but also sullen and dirty – a nobody.

And then he had come to Hogwarts. All Dumbledore needed to do was invite him up to the Headmaster's office once or twice and give him a few lemon drops, and he had gained Severus' loyalty – at least as much as anyone could ever gain Severus' loyalty.

Severus looked around at the familiar trappings of the Headmaster's office. The portraits staring down at him, the Sorting Hat, all of Dumbledore's odd and interesting little objects.

Dumbledore had been as much a disappointment to Severus as Severus was to him. In the end, he hadn't really seen anything special in Severus. The old man always favored perfect Gryffindors like James Potter.

Severus repressed his anger and his annoyance. He knew that he couldn't appear defiant for this interview – he had to be repentant or Dumbledore would just see a hopeless Death Eater.

Severus tapped his fingers on the arm of his chair as he waited. Where _was _the old man? By the time Dumbledore finally did walk in and sit down, Severus had worked himself into a state of nervousness. But he had learned how to not let his nervousness show. He clenched his fist under the sleeve of his robe and schooled his face into a neutral expression.

"Hello, Severus," Dumbledore said in a pleasant tone of voice. Dumbledore was nothing if not pleasant.

"Hello, Professor," Severus replied. Couldn't hurt to be respectful.

Dumbledore smiled. "Would you like a cup of tea? A sweet, perhaps?"

"No, sir," Severus said, clenching his fist harder.

"Ah, straight to the matter at hand then," Dumbledore said, lacing his fingers together and looking at Severus intently. "So tell me, Severus, why do you think you'd make a good spy for us?"

Severus felt like laughing. It was as if this were any old job interview and Dumbledore was reading questions off a list. "I am in the Dark Lord's inner circle," he answered. "I'm guessing that not many of your spies can say that. I can tell you what the Death Eaters' real plans are, not just give you the nonsense that they put out to all their followers. There will be situations where I will be able to tell you exactly when and where they will strike. Exactly who will be involved. I regularly have contact with the Dark Lord himself. I am also a skilled Occlumens, so there is little chance that he will be able to find out about my true allegiances as has happened with others."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "A skilled Occlumens? I did not know that," Severus felt subtle probing at the edge of his mind. He allowed Dumbledore to get in just far enough to feel safe and then slammed up his walls. Dumbledore was a decent Legilimens, but Severus had met better – the Dark Lord among them.

"Well, that is a usable talent," Dumbledore said. "When did you learn it?"

"I started in Sixth Year. I've been perfecting it since. It always interested me – being able to protect your mind."

"Yes," Dumbledore said, with a small smile, "you've always been a secretive person, haven't you Severus?"

Severus shifted. "I suppose." People had told him this before. He supposed that secrecy had been a skill he had learned at a young age – when he couldn't tell the teachers or neighbors or other children what went on at his home.

"There was always something more to you," Dumbledore went on, "something under the surface. Most children are easy to read, but even at eleven, I never quite knew what was going on in that head of yours. You were almost a natural Occlumens, did you know that? You didn't have the smooth technique of someone who has been taught, but your mind was naturally guarded."

Severus felt vaguely angry at the idea of Dumbledore probing at his eleven-year-old mind, but he suppressed his annoyance.

Dumbledore went on. "So you can see why I am reluctant to allow you in the Order, Severus. It is not because I don't believe that you have the capacity to be a good man, because I do believe that. I have always believed it. It is because it is hard for me to know, for certain, that I can trust you. If I only had to place my own life in your hands, then I would do it. But the lives of many others may depend on your actions."

Severus managed to keep himself from panicking. He looked straight into Dumbledore's blue eyes. "I want this, sir," he said. "I hate the Dark Lord. I hate what they are doing. I don't want to just be sent to a safe house to hide out the rest of the war. I want to help stop him."

Dumbledore tapped his fingers on his desk. "I see," he said. "May I ask you a question, Severus?"

"Of course."

"How do you feel about muggles?"

Severus paused. "You know my father was a muggle --"

"Yes," Dumbledore interrupted. "I know that. I also know that your feelings toward your father aren't the kindest. I'll ask you again. How do you feel about muggles?"

Severus tried to summon up some of the "muggles are just as good as wizards" nonsense that he knew Dumbledore was fond of, but thought twice. Dumbledore may find Severus' mind harder to read than most, but the old man would know if he was just repeating propaganda and not answering honestly.

"I don't like most of them," he admitted. "But I see no reason that they should be killed or enslaved either."

"And what about muggleborns?" Dumbledore asked. "How do you feel about them?"

An image of Lily, her red hair damp against the pillow floated briefly before Severus' mind. "I think that they should have the same rights as any wizard," Severus said, surprised at his own calmness.

"I see," Dumbledore said. "And what made you change your mind since you joined the Death Eaters a few short years ago?"

Severus sighed. "I never fully believed everything they said about muggles and muggleborns," he answered. "It was just – all my friends were joining. And they kept telling me how _talented _I was and what a great asset I would be to their side and – I was an idiot."

This was hard for Severus to admit. He was a person who knew his own weaknesses. He knew that he would never be handsome or charming. But he at least liked to think that he was intelligent.

"Ah. I wonder if you would allow me to try something, Severus. I would like for you to lower your walls – even if it is just for a few seconds – so that I can get a peek into your mind."

Severus hesitated. Much as he hated the idea of Dumbledore poking around in his mind, he knew that it was likely the only way that Dumbledore would ever believe him. "I don't know if I can," he said, at last. "I was trained in how to put walls up, not in how to let them down."

Dumbledore nodded. "I understand that," he said. "But I would like you to try. Do you think you can do that, Severus?"

What choice did Severus have, but to nod and agree? When he felt Dumbledore's gentle prying, he did not resist this time, but rather tried to think of all the things the Dark Lord had done that he hated and tried to convey his feelings of hatred to Dumbledore – he may not be able to block Dumbledore, but he could influence what the old man saw. Dumbledore quickly shifted through a memory of the Cruciatus curse being used on Severus and several other unsavory Death Eater moments. Severus could sense that Dumbledore wasn't terribly interested in these memories. Then, as she was nearly always somewhere in his mind, a memory of Lily came to Severus and Dumbledore latched onto it, firmly.

It was the last week of Hogwarts and Lily had approached him in an attempt to leave with some sort of goodwill between them. Severus had been eager to accept her friendship, but Lily had squeezed his wrist (she was always one for physical gestures) and Severus had gasped where her fingers touched the Dark Mark and drawn his arm back. He could see the hurt and surprise in her eyes – it was when she first knew that he had joined the Death Eaters. A moment later, Severus saw himself being tormented by James Potter and his gang. Lily had rushed to his rescue and he had called her a mudblood. Then, he saw himself, much younger, watching Lily and her sister Petunia on the playground. She had seemed amazing – a true piece of magic in Severus' dark and dreary world – if only he could meet her. A moment later, he saw himself kissing Lily, unbuttoning her blouse, crying but at the same time _so _pathetically happy that she actually cared anything about him.

"STOP IT!" he yelled as he pushed Dumbledore out. He leapt to his feet. "You had no right, old man," he said, pointing an accusing finger at Dumbledore. "No right, do you hear me? Those things that you saw were personal!"

"Yes, I am sorry Severus. You are correct that perhaps I went to far in viewing your personal memories," Dumbledore said, quite calmly.

"I'm leaving," Severus spat. There was no chance that Dumbledore would let him join the right side now that he knew that Severus had dared take James Potter's girlfriend – no, wife – away from him, even for just one night. And Severus was almost too angry to care.

"I wish that you would sit, Severus," Dumbledore said, quietly. "This shouldn't take much longer." If Dumbledore had snapped at him, Severus would surely have left, but there was something about the calm politeness that made Severus obey, though inside, he was raging.

"Would you say that your love for Lily Potter is the main reason for your forsaking the Death Eaters? The main reason that you believe in muggleborn rights?"

Severus wanted, so badly, to deny it. To say that he certainly didn't _love _Lily, that he didn't care anything about her, that she was just a silly childhood friendship now gone bad. But he couldn't deny it. "Yes," he said, crossing his arms and giving up any hope of being allowed in the Order.

Now Dumbledore would know that his feelings about muggleborns and magic and all the issues that this war was being fought over were not based on a high-minded adherence to the right ideology, but on his love for a single woman. How pathetic and small he must seem to the always righteous Albus Dumbledore.

But Dumbledore did not mock Severus. He did not tell Severus to go back to the Death Eaters. He did not even shake his head sadly and say that Severus, unfortunately, could not be trusted.

He simply stood and extended his had across the desk to Severus, clearly wanting a handshake. "Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix, Severus Snape," he said. Severus shook his hand, feeling as if he were in a dream.

--- -- ---

"Would you please explain to me, again, why we are playing a game that none of us understands?" Remus asked.

Sirius sighed. Really. Here he was, trying to expose his friends to new and unique things and they were fighting him every step of the way. "It's called 'poker', Mooney, and muggle males often play it to cement their friendships. And, you know, so they have an excuse to drink and gamble," here he grinned at James. "Actually, I think it may be more common in America than here --"

Peter, who seemed to understand the game the least, was scratching his head. "So we're playing an _American _muggle game?" he asked.

"Honestly, chaps, _I _am the one who comes from an incredibly narrow-minded conservative pureblood family. You wouldn't think I'd be the one educating all you about muggles."

"But _we_ don't spend every spare minute researching muggle vices," Remus said.

"More like muggle women," James muttered with a smirk.

Sirius drained his drink – some sort of muggle beer to go with the muggle game. He studied his cards, thoughtfully. A pair of eights wasn't an incredible hand, but as the others really didn't know how to play, he reckoned he had a pretty good chance of winning. "Some of us," he said to others, "are the type who can be satisfied with one woman," his eyes flicked to James. "And some of us," he gestured at himself, "are not."

James groaned at this, Peter laughed nervously and Remus rolled his eyes. "I've already been through all the decent witches. I figure that it is only fair to give the muggle girls their chance at Sirius Black. Besides, can you imagine how angry it would make my parents if I married a muggle?"

"What do we do now?" Peter asked.

"Oh, er …" Sirius said, trying to remember. "Time to show our cards, I guess. I've got a couple of eights. Let's see – James, nothing, Peter nothing, and – how the hell did you get a straight, Mooney?"

Remus smiled. "Beginner's luck? Does this mean I get the money?"

"Yes," Sirius said. They'd only been playing for small amounts, but Remus always seemed to need money so much that Sirius now wished that he'd betted more.

James rolled his eyes. "This game is boring, Padfoot," he said. "I really preferred it when you were on your muggle alcoholic drinks of the world kick."

"I don't know," Remus said, counting his winnings "I'm starting to like it."

"Well, I'd probably still be on that kick if Lily didn't disapprove of me giving you hard liquor so strongly," Sirius told James. "The only reason I even had us play this game tonight is because you told me that Lily wouldn't be around. Poker is a manly game."

"Where _is _Lily?" Peter asked, sounding concerned. "I haven't seen her in ages."

James scratched his head. "She's been feeling sick," he said.

"Still?" Remus asked. "That's what you told me the last time I saw you."

Sirius silently cursed himself. He was James' best mate and he had known that Lily was sick. He should have been the one to ask about her.

"I know," James said. "I'm starting to get really worried about her. I wouldn't even have come tonight, but that she seemed eager to get me out of the house. She's been to the doctor a couple of times – hopefully, they'll be able to figure out what's wrong. Yesterday morning, she was vomiting."

"She was vomiting?" Peter asked, his eyes widening. "Did you ever think that she might be – you know --" Peter held his arms out around his stomach and puffed out his cheeks.

"Now that's not very nice, Wormtail," Sirius said with a grin. "James has never gone for stick girls, but I wouldn't call Lily fat."

"I wasn't --" Peter began, but Remus interrupted him.

"Pregnant?" he asked. "You think Lily is pregnant?"

Peter shrugged. "When my mum was pregnant with my little sister, she used to vomit in the mornings."

Sirius looked over at James who had turned very pale. His mouth formed the word "pregnant", but no sound came out.

"I think Peter may have a point," Sirius said, regretfully. "When was the last time Lily had her – you know – her womanly time of the month or whatever they're calling it these days."

"I don't keep track of that!" James said, seeming to regain the powers of speech all at once. "But – oh, God, I think it's been a while. I – oh, God. I've got to get back home." James jumped up and walked swiftly to the other side of the apartment.

Sirius bit back an objection. Lily being pregnant was way more important than James playing poker with him. "Don't forget shoes, Prongs," Sirius said, as James had taken off his shoes at some point and now seemed ready to Apparate.

"Right," James said, finding them, and pulling them swiftly onto his feet. Sirius heard the _pop_ as he Apparated.

Remus was now gathering up the cards and stacking them, neatly.

"I had better leave too," Peter said, his voice squeaking. Sirius wasn't surprised. Peter had always been closer to James than to either Sirius or Remus. Sirius liked Peter well enough, but when James wasn't around, he found that Peter didn't fit in quite as well.

Unfortunately, though, after Peter left, he and Remus were left staring at each other. Things had been tense between them lately, though Sirius couldn't quite put his finger on the reason.

Remus gave him a half-smile. "Well, as long as everyone else is leaving, I guess that I might as well go too," he said.

"You too?" Sirius whined. "You live here, Mooney."

"I know, but I put off important business so I could be here tonight and I think I still have time to get it done if I hurry."

"Hot date?" Sirius asked, waggling his eyebrows.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Order business," and the air between them immediately became tense again. Remus was incredibly secretive about his Order business and Sirius could never understand why. They weren't exactly supposed to discuss it openly, but James and Peter always managed to talk about at least _some _of what they were doing. Why was Remus so strange about it?

"Well, run along then. Don't let me stop you," Sirius said, waving a dismissive hand.

Once Remus left, Sirius stared around the empty room for a good long time. Then, he went to the liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Firewhiskey


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

James knew she was pregnant. Lily was fairly certain of this. And yet, they kept tiptoeing around one another. Pretending. Every time Lily said something, James would look up with an expression that was somewhere between hope and fear as if he was wondering if this was _it_. If this was when she was going to tell him.

Lily did want to tell him, but every time she began, a sense of dread would well up inside of her. After visiting the doctor, Lily had taken out her calendar and counted back the weeks. No matter how many times she counted back, Lily always came to the same conclusion – the baby _could _be Severus'. Or it could be James'. Lily wasn't sure and it seemed a bit cruel to get James excited about a baby that wasn't really his own.

And what would happen when Severus found out? Lily knew that she'd be able to keep this secret from Severus for longer than she'd kept it from James, but he'd eventually find out that she was having a baby. And he wasn't an idiot – he could count as well as she could. Lily imagined a hundred different scenarios in her head, but quite a few of them seemed to end with James and Severus having a deadly duel in her living room.

It was almost a relief when she received a letter from Dumbledore telling her to come to Hogwarts. She knew that it would probably mean that she had to talk to Severus, which she really didn't feel like doing, but at least it got her away from the house and James' hopeful glances. As she pulled on her socks and shoes, she wondered, absently, whether or not Dumbledore had decided to take Severus as a spy. She hoped so. Their side really needed someone like Sev and she knew him well enough to know that he was sincere.

When she arrived at the Headmaster's office she found that Severus was indeed sitting in one of the chairs across from Dumbledore's desk. Lily took a seat in the other and shot Severus a tentative smile. He crossed his arms and looked away. So he was pouting at her. Wonderful.

"Ah, Lily," Dumbledore said as she seated herself in the other chair. "So glad you could join us. As Severus here has no doubt told you, I decided to take your recommendation and allow him to work for us in the Order."

Lily blinked. "No, sir, he hadn't told me. But I'm glad." She gave Severus a sidelong look, but he continued to ignore her.

"Ah," Dumbledore said and Lily got the feeling that he knew perfectly well that Severus hadn't told her anything.

"Actually, I was wondering why you called me here today, Professor," Lily pressed on.

Dumbledore adjusted his glasses. "Yes. Well, to get right to the point, we want to keep Severus' status as a spy _very _secret. Too many of our spies have been found out, you see. But he'll need someone to report information to if I am, for some reason, unavailable."

Lily could feel her mouth drop open. "And you think that person should be me? But, surely not, sir. Surely someone higher in the Order, someone older, would be more appropriate." She shot a sidelong glance at Severus who was still studiously ignoring her. She suddenly felt a weariness at the thought of having to deal with him, a reluctance to have him in her life. She felt awful about it after being friends with him for so long, but it was there.

"The fewer people who know about this the better. Wouldn't you agree, Severus?" Dumbledore asked.

Severus nodded and sneered. "The Death Eaters have spies as well," he said.

Dumbledore turned back to Lily. "And since you already know about the situation, we don't need to tell any extra people."

"I have my own duties, sir," Lily began, but Dumbledore waved a hand dismissively.

"Oh, this shouldn't take up much extra time," Dumbledore said. "Severus just needs a solid way of contacting you should you be needed."

Lily shrugged, giving up on trying to talk Dumbledore out of anything. "There's always Patronus," she said.

Severus looked up and Lily could have sworn that he blushed. "Patronus isn't a solid way," he said. "I – I'm afraid that I can't produce one reliably." Lily narrowed her eyes. Severus had to be lying. In school, he had always been the type to have all the spells mastered at least a year before the other students. Surely, he would be able to do something that they learned at Hogwarts that had so many uses in a war, like produce a Patronus charm. "Some sort of floo connection seems more the thing," he went on.

Lily panicked. For some reason that she couldn't quite explain to herself, she didn't want Severus to have access to her home. "Unless you plan on telling James as well, then that won't work. I think that James would notice if a Death Eater who also happens to be his childhood nemesis were to show up in his fireplace."

Severus glared at her. Lily had no idea what his problem was.

"Some sort of two way trinket or talisman, then," Dumbledore said in a soothing voice. "Something of the sort can be arranged, I'm sure," he went on.

"Fine," Lily snapped. Dumbledore seemed surprised at her tone. "Can I leave now, sir?" she said, more politely. "I'm afraid that I have to get back to work."

"Of course, my dear," Dumbledore said.

Lily got up and left, but she was only halfway down the empty hallway before she heard Severus following her. "Evans!" he called after her. "Evans!"

She whirled around. He only ever called her Evans when he was angry. "It's Potter now," she said, because she knew this would hurt him the most. "You can call me that, if you want."

Severus blinked and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "I'd rather call you Satan". Out loud he said, "I suppose that you can't stand even five minutes away from your wonderful Potter to stop and talk to me."

Lily looked him over. He looked so _ugly _when he was like this – his face twisted into a sneer, his teeth grinding together. "There isn't a competition between you, Severus," she said, finally. "You are my friend. James is my husband."

"A friend that you won't even allow in your house?" Severus scoffed.

Lily was growing impatient. "What did you expect, Severus?" she asked. "You're a Death Eater!"

"You know that I'm working against the Dark Lord now!"

She regarded him, quietly. "But that can't erase what's on your arm, can it?" she asked, finally. "You'll always be a Death Eater. You can't take back those experiences, the things that you've done." Unconsciously, her hand flew to her stomach. There had been few times that she'd thought of what was going on inside of her as _life_, a child. Mostly, she had pushed it to the back of her mind as a nuisance. It made her sick to think that her child may be tainted by Severus' darkness, by the Death Eaters. She wondered if this was how many purebloods felt about having a child with someone like her – a muggleborn. Perhaps Severus, who had certain prejudices whatever else he may say, would abhor the thought of her carrying his child as much as she did.

"No I can't erase it," he spat. "I've never been a perfect golden boy like James Potter, but I --"

It annoyed her that he could make this about James, when it wasn't about James it all – it was about Severus and his failings.

"James is a good man, Severus," she said. "I know that he has given you no reason to think so, but it's the truth."

He crossed his arms and gave her a hard look and a shrug. "Oh, just go have this sickening conversation with him then," Severus snapped. He turned and walked in back the way he came.

"I fully intend to!" Lily yelled childishly at his back.

--- -- ---

When she got home, she was much surprised by the fact that James had made her dinner. And not just any old dinner – salmon was her favorite and James apparently knew it. He had taken out the fine china and the lights were low. He was lighting candles when she came in the door and he waggled his eyebrows at her in a ridiculous fashion. As the exaggerated motion was obviously a joke, Lily laughed, her weariness and ill humor dissipating. That was the thing about James – perhaps the thing that had made her fall in love with him – he could always make her laugh when she was feeling bad.

"James, you romantic, you," she said, grinning at him.

He gave her an extravagant bow and pulled out a chair at the table for her to sit. Rather conspicuously, he filled one of their fancy glasses with water instead of wine and sat it before her. Lily sipped at the water and smiled as James placed her meal before her.

It crossed her mind that Severus would never have done something like this. It wasn't that he was against the idea of cooking like some men, but he would have thought all the little romantic gestures pointless and contrived. He wouldn't have bothered with the candles or her favorite flowers in the vase or any of it.

Lily had been thinking a lot about Severus and James and their differences lately. She was starting to remember how Severus was about children. Anytime she had been out in public with him and there had been a screaming baby around, he was the type of person to roll his eyes and complain to anyone that would listen at the audacity of people who dared to bring their whiny brats where they could torment others. If a small child spoke to him, he would sniff in distaste and draw away as if the child had a contagious disease.

James, on the other hand, was great with kids. He was as charming with them as he was with everyone else and he always seemed to know a great spell for entertaining them. Lily remembered thinking, on several occasions, what a good father he would make someday.

"James, this was so sweet," she said, as she ate her salmon. "Why did you do it?"

James shrugged. "Seems like you've been down lately. Who can blame you, with everything that's going on with the war. I just thought it would be nice to have a normal, old romantic dinner – like we used to have."

"Yes," the short years since their marriage seemed an eternity away to Lily. That was when the Death Eaters were just a vague threat – a hate group that had caused a death here and there. Not the all-encompassing menace that they had grown into.

James had made dessert as well. Lily ate her chocolate cake with relish – she wondered if the pregnancy was making her eat more. James watched her with a satisfied look on his face, but when she looked up and smiled, he laughed.

"What is it?" she asked.

"You have cake all over your teeth," he said. Lily laughed as well as she discreetly ran her tongue over her front teeth. She smiled again.

"All gone," James said. Lily saw that James was looking at her with a hopeful expression; that same hopeful expression that he had been wearing for days. She sighed. He already knew anyway, but Lily supposed that she might as well tell him and save him the agony of wondering.

She put down her fork and walked around the table. James seemed surprised when she sat in his lap. He put his arms around her waist and she took his hands in hers.

"James, honey," she said, smiling, "we're going to have a baby." James' face lit up and they embraced.

Yes, James would make a very good father.


	6. Chapter 5

**AN: Thanks so much to all my reviewers! I try to leave replies, but if I miss you then know that you are appreciated and loved. **

* * *

**Chapter 5**

James still couldn't fathom it. He was going to be someone's _father_. He stumbled around Sirius' flat, looking for the bloke. But of course, he realized, Sirius was never out of bed before two in the afternoon. He banged on Sirius' bedroom door.

"Oi! Sirius! Get up!" he yelled.

There was a groan from within. "Whadyouwant?" Sirius asked.

James twisted the door handle and found it still locked. He banged on the door again. "Get out here!"

After a few moments, Sirius flung open the door, still rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Well?" he asked. "What is it?"

James decided to just blurt it out. "I'm going to be a dad," he said.

Sirius stared at him in confusion for a few moments, frowning, before a decided grin came over his face. "Well, mate, that's – well. Congratulations. Aren't you excited?" He asked this question as he looked carefully at James' face.

"Of course, I'm excited," James defended himself, following Sirius into the small kitchen where his friend started scrounging about for food. "I'm also terrified. I don't know anything about taking care of babies."

Sirius grinned as he looked around from his cupboard which was nearly bare. "Well, you know what helps terror? Liquid courage." He pulled out a bottle of Firewhiskey.

James managed a grin. "It's noon. A little early for drinking, don't you think?"

"It's never too early," Sirius began looking for his shot glasses. "Let's see – I think Remus left this morning. He lost his job, so must be Order business. But we can fire call Peter over here and we can all get raging drunk. How does that sound?"

"Great," James said, "but what if Peter isn't home?"

Sirius shrugged this off. "It's _Peter_. Where else would he be?"

It occurred to James that he wasn't exactly acting like someone's father at the moment. "I am happy about the baby, you know," he said.

Sirius looked at him. "I know, mate. Don't worry about it – it is traditional for the father to feel a bit of terror. If it makes you feel better, they can be celebratory drinks."

James rolled his eyes. "Everything is just a big excuse for liquor to you, isn't it?"

--- -- ---

"Who would have ever guessed that _I _would be the first one of us to be a father?" James asked, in a slightly drunken tone.

Sirius grinned and puffed on his cigar. "I certainly did. I mean, look at the rest of us. I can't stay with a girl for more than two weeks, Remus runs away at the mere sight of a date and Peter … well, look at him."

"Hey!" Peter exclaimed from his place slumped on Sirius' couch.

James laughed and clapped Peter on the back good-naturedly.

"Besides," Sirius went on, "after you and Lily got married, you went at it so much that I knew a baby would come along sooner or later."

James sighed, fondly and closed his eyes. "Yes, I still remember those newlywed days. Not that she's cold, now; why just last night --"

"Can you do that when a woman is pregnant?" Peter blurted.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Of course you can. It isn't like she's nine months or something." Though now that Sirius thought of it, he'd never been with a pregnant girl – maybe they really _couldn't _do that.

"We were in a celebratory mood," James said, shrugging.

"What are you going to name it if it's --" but Sirius never got to hear James' ideas about baby names, because at that moment, Remus walked in.

Sirius bellowed out a greeting that stopped short when he saw that Remus had a guest – and not a very savory one. The man who followed Remus inside was tall with unkempt hair and long, jagged fingernails. He didn't look terribly clean. His eyes were yellowish and Sirius even fancied that his teeth were sharper than the average person's. In short, he looked like every monstrous depiction of a werewolf in human form that Sirius had ever seen.

"You didn't tell me that there would be people here, Remus," the wolf said and even his voice was like a growl.

"I didn't know that there would be," Remus said. Sirius could well imagine that he didn't. Remus looked at them dubiously. "You're all drunk, aren't you?" he asked.

"No," Sirius said and it was true. James and Peter might have been a small bit tipsy, but somehow they all ended up drinking less than they intended. Sirius, who was always best at holding his liquor, wasn't even a little intoxicated.

"Kendry was hurt," Remus said and Sirius saw that the werewolf had a slashed arm. "I decided to bring him back here to bandage him up. In the bathroom," he said to Kendry, gesturing toward the back of the flat. "Peter, can you come help me with the bandages?"

Peter looked terrified at the suggestion of getting anywhere near Kendry. "I'll help," Sirius said, following them into the bathroom. He wanted to see more of this "Kendry". To figure out why Remus would bring such a person to their flat.

In the bathroom, Kendry seated himself on the ledge of the tub. When he pulled his hand away from his arm, it had blood on it. "Don't touch him," Remus said, sharply, "just find a towel, wet it and hand it to me." This confirmed Sirius' suspicions – Remus wouldn't be so cautious about Kendry's blood if Kendry weren't a werewolf. Not that a person could be completely turned from contamination when the wolf was human, but Sirius knew that certain wolfish traits could be developed.

Kendry was silent as Remus bandaged him and Sirius could feel malice, directed at himself, not at Remus rolling off him. He couldn't wait to get this person away from him, so much so that as soon as Remus finished he said; "Well, I guess that you'll be wanting to leave now."

"I guess I will," Kendry said, giving Remus a look that seemed to say "I told you so".

Remus glared at Sirius. "You should stay," he said to Kendry. "At least until you can catch your breath."

"No, no," Kendry said, "you friend has made it _very_ clear that he doesn't want me here." He licked his lips and bared his teeth.

Sirius was not impressed. "Bye, then," he said, waving in a sarcastic manner. It wasn't as though he had told the werewolf that he _had _to leave – he had merely suggested it.

Remus went to see Kendry to the door. Sirius waited in the bathroom and eventually Remus came back in to clean up.

"What were you thinking, bringing someone like that here?" Sirius demanded, taking Remus by the arm. "He looks like a slavering monster!"

Remus drew back, alarmed. "He is a werewolf, that's true enough." Sirius could tell that his friend was trying hard to keep anger out of his voice. "I didn't think you'd have a problem with that."

Sirius tapped his fingers against the sink. "He's not like you, if that's what you're suggesting. Just look at him. He's one of those werewolves that lives in the forest or in the slums and hates regular witches and wizards. He probably doesn't care who he bites."

Sirius noticed that Remus did not directly deny these accusations. "He's in the Order, Sirius. I've been working with him. I wouldn't have brought him here under normal circumstances, but he was hurt. I didn't know James and Peter would be here."

Sirius crossed his arms. "They work for Voldemort, Remus. That's not just me being prejudiced. When have you ever known me to be prejudiced? Aren't I the one who still stays with you every month when you turn? But the cold, hard fact is that the werewolves have gone to Voldemort. I know _you _haven't," Sirius said, when he saw Remus about to protest, "but you don't live with the rest of them. You don't run in their packs. You've seen the bite victims just the same as I have – can't you see why I'm cautious?"

Sirius had been sure that Remus would listen to this well-reasoned argument as Remus was usually one for well-reasoned arguments, so he was surprised when his friend's face reddened in anger. "What I can see is that you think every werewolf who isn't wearing dress robes is suspect. I told you that Kendry is in the Order. Why do you need anymore proof of his good intentions than that? Yes, he lives with other werewolves – he doesn't exactly have a choice, you know. He was bitten when he was fourteen and his parents turned him out of the house. There aren't exactly a huge number of job opportunities for fourteen-year-old werewolves."

Sirius shook his head. Maybe Remus was right and he was just being paranoid and prejudiced. But he couldn't shake the bad feeling that had come over him when he'd first seen Kendry. Maybe it had nothing to do with Kendry being a werewolf and it was Sirius' instincts taking over. "Look," he said, "maybe you're right. For all I know, Kendry may be a wonderful person. But with the war – you know they put all this stuff out about not opening your house to strangers because it interferes with the wards, can give them access, even later. And I'm afraid that we've just opened our place to a – a --"

"A werewolf?" Remus suggested. He leaned back and shook his head. "You've changed Sirius. You used to give everyone but Slytherins a chance and all the more so if they were someone that society would find scary or distasteful."

Sirius shrugged, trying to look nonchalant, though he didn't feel it. "War can do that," he said. "And he's _not _like you," he felt this was the hundredth time that he'd said this.

"You don't know what I'm like," said Remus.

--- -- ---

Something was wrong. As Severus stepped from the circle to meet the Dark Lord, there was that indefinable air of expectation from the other Death Eaters. Severus wondered, uneasily, what had excited them so. Had he done something to displease the Dark Lord? Mentally, he went over everything he'd done in the last few months. There were some things that could get him killed several times over – he was a traitor to their cause.

He forced himself to stop thinking these thoughts. Often, the Dark Lord would become angry with a Death Eater over some trifle and punish him before all the others. Severus thought that he liked to demonstrate his power thusly. He hoped that it was no more than this.

He stepped up to bow to the Dark Lord who was seated at a rather overly dramatic throne. "Rise and take off your mask, Severus," he said.

Severus did so. He didn't know why they even bothered with the masks for meetings like this – they were a good disguise when the Death Eaters went out to do their harms, but here they all knew one another.

"How is your brewing progressing?" the Dark Lord asked in what was for him a pleasant voice.

Severus was a bit thrown off by this line of questioning – it wasn't what he'd expected. But he wasn't fooled. He knew that no matter what answer he gave, the Dark Lord was going to find fault with it.

"As well as can be expected under the circumstances, my lord. I've managed to make the Flamebelly colorless, but the odor is such that it would prevent even a muggle from drinking it."

"I see. There haven't been any _distractions_, have there?"

"My lord?" Severus didn't know what he could be getting at, unless by distractions he meant Severus' new work for the Order in which case Severus would be dead very soon.

The Dark Lord tapped his fingers on the arm of his throne. "I'm afraid that your brewing hasn't been progressing quite as quickly as I'd like, Severus. Perhaps you need an assistant. Maybe a pretty little redheaded thing?"

Severus' heart flipped over in his chest. "I work best alone, my lord," he managed to say in a calm voice.

The Dark Lord snapped his fingers and a Death Eater stepped forward to place a black file into his hands. It looked oddly out of place in this outdoor setting with the eerie magical light and the wind whipping Severus' hair. The Dark Lord took out what appeared to be several photographs and handed them to Severus.

Severus looked down and saw himself talking to Lily at the muggle playground. The photos were from an odd angle – the photographer must have been behind some of the bushes – but it was clear that it was them. "Can you tell me who that is, Severus?"

"Lily Evans Potter," Severus said after only a moment's hesitation. They would have already told him who it was, of course. "A mudblood," he didn't hesitate over the word – none of the Death Eaters would have.

"And would you like to explain to me why exactly you were talking to a _mudblood _in a _muggle _park, Severus?" the Dark Lord asked.

"I knew her from Hogwarts," Severus hoped that the Dark Lord couldn't see him sweat. "She kept pestering me to meet her. I hardly wanted to, but it got to the point that to not do so would have been suspicious. She implied that she had knowledge of some of my … activities. It turns out that I need not have worried. She knew nothing about my involvement here. I believe that she merely wanted a romantic affair of some sort. Apparently, she's been having trouble in her marriage."

There were murmurs at this last statement from the gathered Death Eaters. Severus knew he shouldn't have said it – muggleborns breeding with other wizards was what the Death Eaters feared most. "I declined, of course," he said. "I wouldn't touch mudblood scum."

"I see," the Dark Lord said and his demeanor was still calm. "Some of my Death Eaters have told me that you used to be close with this Lily Evans when you were in school."

Severus swallowed. "I wouldn't say 'close', my lord. I sometimes spoke with her during my early years in school. Before my friends in Slytherin properly educated me on how filthy mudbloods could be."

"Ah. And did you know that our dear Mrs. Potter is a member of the Order of the Phoenix?"

"No, my lord. I never would have guessed it."

"_Crucio_." Severus didn't have time to prepare himself before the hit came. Every inch of his body was wracked with pain. But Severus had endured the Cruciatus curse before and knew that he must keep his wits about him. He could feel the Dark Lord looking into his mind, sifting through his memories. Severus wound his pain into a tight ball and pushed it to the back of his consciousness.

He managed to show the Dark Lord a small part of the personal part of his argument with Lily at the playground without revealing his involvement in the Order. After he viewed this, the Dark Lord sat back on his throne, regarding Severus coldly. Severus no longer felt his mind being probed, but the pain remained. The Dark Lord was enjoying his suffering. There was a part of Severus that wanted to go down on his knees and beg for mercy, but he knew that that would only increase the Dark Lord's enjoyment. Deferential but not groveling was the best approach with Lord Voldemort.

After watching him for a while, the Dark Lord waved his hand and the pain was gone. Severus stood up straighter. "Perhaps you can tell us where the mudblood resides, Severus?"

Severus sucked in a breath. "I am sorry, my lord, she did not tell me."

The Dark Lord waved a hand dismissively. "No matter, we already know anyway. There is to be raid tonight, Severus."


	7. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: I apologize for the slow update. I have a lot of projects going on right now, but I haven't abandoned this story. Thanks to all my reviewers. **

**Chapter 6**

Severus' mind was a flurry. There was going to be a raid on the Potters' home tonight. But why? Not just to teach Severus a lesson, surely. Perhaps the Potters were considered dangerous enough Order members that the Dark Lord had decided to deal with them personally.

He listened with half his mind as they were all instructed on their positions and roles in the raid. The Dark Lord did not speak himself, but allowed one of his underlings to give instructions while he sat back like an all-knowing god, smiling to himself. Severus was surprised when he heard his name called alongside that of only one other – Nigel Grayson – an idiot who was even younger than Severus, a new recruit.

"You two will be some of the first on the scene. You'll disabling the wards around the house and searching for traps before you join the rest of us," the underling said. An important job that would normally go to someone both trustworthy and experienced.

Severus looked at the Dark Lord as the underling continued to read out names and he thought that he could detect a flicker in the red eyes. This was a test then. The Dark Lord was fond of tests. Severus wouldn't be watched at every moment because he was being given enough room to prove himself – or enough room to hang himself. If the mission failed because of him he would be severely punished – perhaps killed. If he succeeded then his clout with the Death Eaters would rise.

This meant that the only way to save both Lily and himself was to make the mission fail without failing at his task of disarming the house.

On the positive side, it also meant that the Dark Lord didn't really suspect Severus of being a spy or of defecting to the Order – if that had been the case, Severus would have been watched much more closely. No, the Dark Lord suspected that Severus had some residual fondness for a muggleborn and he meant to squash it. He also suspected that Severus had lost the will to kill in his service and he meant to correct this as well.

As soon as the underling stopped talking, Severus would be expected to leave and get to work disarming the Potter house. That was the way these missions went – only a select few knew anything beforehand.

After the briefing was done, Nigel Grayson approached Severus. "Well, it looks like we'll be working together, mate," he said.

"I'm not your mate," Severus replied automatically and then decided that, as usual, rudeness was the best tactic. "And you better not do something idiotic and ruin this mission, Grayson. I've got a lot riding on this and it's not going to be undone by some inept pretty boy."

Nigel blinked in surprise. He really _was _a pretty boy and had the look of the clueless teenagers who joined the Dark Lord simply because their parents were prejudiced purebloods, and not out of any incredible devotion to the man. Severus was annoyed with him already. "I won't bother you, then," Nigel said in a cool voice.

"See that you don't," Severus said. "Listen, we'll apparate to the street corner and approach the house from the back."

"Who made you the boss?" Nigel muttered.

Severus glared at him. "I'm older than you, I've been in the Death Eaters longer than you, and I'm betting that I know three times more defensive spells than you do. I'm leading. Like I said, we'll apparate to the street corner --"

"And approach the house from the back," Nigel finished, rolling his eyes. "You've already said that, Snape."

"See that you remember," Severus said, secretly congratulating himself. Nigel's unwillingness to get the finer details would hurt him later on. Severus ignored Nigel until a few minutes later, when they were both approached by a Death Eater with his mask on. Wordlessly, the dark figure slipped a piece of paper into Severus' hand and Severus stared at the words written on it for a few moments. Just a normal London street address. It seemed so strange that he should find out Lily's address in this way when he'd known her most of his life.

"Lemme see," Nigel said, leaning over to take the paper from Severus' hand. Severus knew that he must act quickly now. He needed to warn someone and then delay his mission as long as possible.

But who could he warn? Dumbledore seemed the only feasible option since it seemed that he couldn't get to Lily herself. But Dumbledore would be in Hogwarts and it was impossible to apparate onto the Hogwarts grounds. By the time he walked all the way to the school, his absence would be noted and the mission may very well be completed.

Privately, Severus cursed the Headmaster for not giving him contact with more Order members for occasions such as these, but there was no use dwelling on it now. He knew where a few of Lily's girlfriends from Hogwarts lived, but as far as he could tell, she didn't see most of them anymore. Reluctantly, he considered his last option. Potter's friends.

As much as he hated Potter's toad-like cronies, they did at least seem to be fiercely loyal to Potter himself which was what was needed in this situation. He didn't know where either Black or Lupin lived. But Pettigrew – now Pettigrew was an option.

Severus knew where Peter Pettigrew lived because the Pettigrews had lived on the same street for generations. And Severus would have bet his wand that Peter Pettigrew still lived with his mother.

Severus pulled his mask over his face.

--- -- ---

Peter brushed his teeth, preparing for bed. It was a strange night. Peter had a sixth sense for danger which was why he was sometimes able to crawl out of it. His back was tingling as if someone were watching him. Even so, he did not expect to see what confronted him when he turned around.

Standing in Peter's bedroom, among his Quiditch posters and old textbooks, was a Death Eater, in full costume. Peter screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Please. Please," he said as the hooded figure advanced on him. "Don't kill me. I'll do anything – anything."

The figure grabbed him by the front of his shirt. "Shut up and listen," he said. "There's going to be a Death Eater raid on the home of James and Lily Potter very shortly. You are going to go warn them."

"James and Lily?" Peter squeaked, thinking of his friends all alone in their little house, at the mercy of the Death Eaters. But if he went over there, the Death Eaters might get _him_. "I can't – I can't --" he said, but the Death Eater interrupted, sounding exasperated, of all things.

"Yes you can, Pettigrew. And if you fail to warn them, then I'll kill you myself."

Peter wrung his hands in misery.

--- -- ---

James was putting on his pajamas when he heard a loud banging coming from the sitting room. His mind immediately went to the worst – a sign of the times. He wondered if the Death Eaters had broken in and if so, would it be better to find Lily and run or to face the threat head on? He often had thoughts like these and it bothered him that there was no definite answer. One day, his life and Lily's (and the baby's) might depend on a split second decision made in a panic situation.

James hurried to the sitting room, but found only Peter, covered in soot, coming out of his fireplace. "Oi, mate," James said. "You nearly scared me to death. You don't just drop in on a man unannounced at this time of night, if you know what I mean."

Peter looked at James frantically, his eyes wide, his skin pale beneath the soot. "You've got to get out of here," he said, lunging toward James, knocking over a large red vase in the process. "We've all got to get out of here. The Death Eaters – a Death Eater came to me tonight, said that they were going to attack your house --"

James didn't wait to hear more. He bolted from the room, calling Lily's name. She emerged from their bedroom, having already been asleep. "What is it?" she asked. She looked so sweet and vulnerable in her long, pink gown that James felt as if his heart could break.

"We've got to go," he said. "Death Eaters." Lily's eyes widened and her hand went to her stomach. Already, she was a concerned mother, James thought, with a bit of fondness through his worry.

"We'll apparate," she said. "Just let me grab a few things --"

"No time," James said. "Peter!" He ran back to the setting room. Peter wasn't there.

"Maybe he already left," Lily suggested, coming up behind him.

James looked at the fireplace. Peter's footprints were visible in the soot, but only the one set. "No. Peter was never much on apparating and I'd be able to tell if he took the floo."

He looked over at Lily who still had one hand clasped over her stomach. Was it just his imagination or was she starting to show? "You should go," he said. "I'll find him."

She crossed her arms. "I'm not just leaving you here alone with the Death Eaters coming."

"The baby --" he gestured to her stomach.

"Will be fine. Now let's go find Pete, quickly."

Things had always been this way between them. Lily was a very modern woman – not a tomboy, exactly, but very independent and brave. Anything he faced, she was willing to face alongside of him. James had always admired that about her. But now with the baby – Lily needed to remember that she wasn't just looking out for herself anymore.

There wasn't time to argue the point, though. James ran through the house, yelling Peter's name, not getting an answer. Cursing, he ran into the backyard, knowing that he was probably making himself a target for a hundred Death Eater curses. He looked around, seeing no sign of Peter, but just then, two dark cloaked figures came through the gate.

They stopped short when they saw James. Likely, they were not expecting to see him standing in the backyard. One of them cursed and threw a CruciatusJames' way which he managed to deflect. It did, however, succeed in distracting him from a silent spell which glanced off his shoulder, painfully. James gripped his shoulder, feeling warm blood on his hand.

The Death Eater who had thrown the Cruciatus stopped to laugh and James stood up straight. He had always been good at keeping his head during chancy situations. He tossed a couple of stunning spells in the direction of the Death Eaters and immediately ran back into the house, not even waiting to see if his spells had hit.

"James! James!" Lily yelled running down the stairs. "Peter's here." He looked up to see Peter, huffing and puffing and wringing his hands, come down behind Lily.

"What were you thinking, mate?" he asked Peter, sighing in relief.

"I don't know," Peter moaned. "I couldn't find you. I thought you'd left me."

"Left you?" James was insulted. As if he'd ever leave a friend to the mercies of Death Eaters.

"We don't have time for this," Lily said and James agreed. They apparated to the current headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. When they entered, James was immediately sent off with some foreign bloke named Andre who happened to be the best healer in the Order. Andre cleaned and bandaged James' shoulder.

"It must have been some spell," Andre said, looking at the wound, "that could make a cut that clean and precise."

James looked down and saw that the cut was extremely straight. It wasn't deep, but it had only glanced off. Used correctly, James guessed that the spell could be lethal. He'd only seen a spell wound like that once before. Normally, offensive slashing spells left horribly jagged wounds.

When Andre was done bandaging James' wound, he went to find Lily. She was sitting in the lounge area, talking to Peter. He noticed that her hand was cradled protectively over her belly.

"Severus Snape," he said, sitting down beside his wife.

Lily must have jumped six inches off her seat. "What?" she asked, in a shaky voice.

"Severus Snape is a Death Eater," James said. "He's the one who wounded me."


End file.
